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Did I get re-married too soon?

Dear Friends,

I got remarried and really do not feel like explaining why I got remarried, but it seems that I have to. My second marriage has confused and negatively affected several good relationship with relatives and friends, who claimed that I got remarried too soon. “Too soon???” Who is the one to decide what is “soon” and what is not??

Soojin, my former wife, died while I was with her the whole time at the hospital where she delivered our son, Theo. After that, I have been blaming myself every second. To think that I could have maybe prevented the death has been the scariest thing and I tried to avoid as much as possible. And, now, the hospital is trying to put all the blame on me in the court. I know logically that their argument is the most stupid thing in the world, but if and only if their argument won in the court in Jordan, how can I explain the death of his biological mother to Theo? How can I be a good father to him, while being blamed of the death of his biological mother? The hospital, one of the most famous ones in Middle East, is trying to destroy my life entirely.

Due to this, I have become very sensitive to small tiny comments from family and friends, that could have one per cent of connotation of blaming me. I just can not take it. Like when my mother told me two months after Soojin`s passing that I drank too much of grape juice inside the refrigerator, my mind was like “how can you say this when your son just lost his wife? Could you not be happy to see him being able to drink something he likes? He is at least alive, is not he?”

I lost much of my memories before Soojin died and one of my relatives got angry with me since I could not remember that she gave me some baby books as a present when Soojin was alive. I did not even remember where they were or if I was given such a thing. She said “I cannot believe that you do not even remember it” with loud voice. I lost my words, thinking “It is just books isnot it?? I lost my wife, and your husband is alive. Why do you have to scream against me? You should be happy to see me alive and even if I get arrested by a police for breaking someone`s car, I do not really want you to scream at me, who just went through the most unimaginable experience.

Since my mind was so sensitive like this, it was difficult for me to stay with anyone. I left my parent home only 4 days after I started to live with them. I went to my friend`s house in Osaka (800km away) and sister`s place, etc. During the first six months of his life, Theo slept in 10 different locations, 7 different municipalities and two coutries.


It was difficult for me to continue like that, keep moving to one place from another. At the same time, I did not have confidence to live with Theo alone. My psychological situation was not ready for it. If I am left alone with Theo, the reality of Soojin`s death become more realistic than ever and I could not cope with facing the reality. I had to be with someone to escape from the reality, but that could not be anyone, because of my high sensitivity.

Since one of my relatives is a member of kibbutz style collective community based on agriculture, I called him to see if I can come and see the community, where all the members are obliged to donate all the individual properties before joining. If I go there, I thought that I do not have to be alone and there would be some people who could always offer some help with Theo. But, our schedules did not match, so I had to postpone.

Then, my former friend, Azusa kindly came to help me. She did not say anything to activate my sensitivity, but just quietly observed my challenge and offered any support she could do. She took care of Theo for two to three hours a day, so that I get some time to sleep. It was difficult for me to go out of the house without anyone`s support, but with Azusa, we could go to Hot spring, café and other places. Azusa also helped my 77 year old mother with washing dishes and cooking, which helped to improve my relationship with them. She literally saved my life.

Azusa and I got married in November 2017. My parents who witnessed my suffering, were very happy to see me being with Azusa. However, among relatives and friends, there were some who could not immediately expressed their words of congratulations. One of them even said “If I were Soojin, I would not be happy to see you being with someone so soon”. I felt my neck being squeezed by this statement. Among all the options that I could think of, being with Azusa was the only way for me to survive, and if this person wants to take this option away from me, he is basically saying I do not need to live any longer. “Do you know what it is like to lose someone so important suddenly right after the happiest moment in your life?” I became quite emotional against the person.

Who would know the feeling of Soojin better than me? My remarriage does not mean Soojin just became nothing to me. It is not easy for me to describe my feelings to Soojin in words. Since both of us were working for the UN, it was not easy for both of us to get a job in the same place. And, I knew Soojin was more suitable to UN job and was sure that she would become someone very important in the institution, I was happy to follow her wherever she goes and gave sushi lessons in Azerbaijan and Jordan.

No matter how much we love each other, unless we die at the same time, it is inevitable that one of us will have to live without the other at some point. Because we loved each other too much, we, at least I, were already thinking, with great fear, of the time of being alone. We were talking to each other that, when one of us dies first, then lets not interfere with the live of the other from the heaven”. This talking unexpectedly became such a great insurance for me to minimize the damage from this biggest tragedy. Even if I was the one to die first, I would want Soojin to recover as soon as she can, no matter what it takes, including being with someone else. I would be happy to see her just being able to survive, especially after seeing many people dying soon after the passing of their spouses.

Soojin`s mother, who lives in Cambodia, was originally saying that “you better find a good mother for the baby soon”. But then, when I told her that I actually found one, we lost contact for one week. Then, I got a phone call from her, who said, “in the beginning, it was difficult for me to accept, as I felt it bit too soon, and I was crying everyday. But, now I am ok. I told myself that, because you loved Soojin too much, it was too difficult for you to deal with it alone. This is the best solution for the baby as well”. I took Azusa to Cambodia in August 2017 and Soojin`s mother said “Azusa is the treasure from the heaven”. We still keep in touch frequently and she told me not to talk about Soojin in front of Azusa.

Everyone has his or her way to survive tragedy. And, I hope that, unless the process involves a crime, it should be respected at all cost. I appreciate Azusa to save my life and that of my son, and Soojin will be the one to appreciate it more than anyone else.

Theo is going to be a big broher in April. In September last year, several friends came to celebrate Theo:s birthday, as well as commemorate the passing of Soojin. Azusa, who goes to a collage to be a nurse, kept herself busy with baking a birthday cake for Theo and cleaning the house, while studying for the school and being pregnant, and she ended up in the emergency room at the hospital and missed the bithday party for Theo, which she planned to organize some games etc for a long time. Azusa is always the one to put new flowers in front of Soojin's ash.

On Jan 14th, we had a small wedding with immediate family members only. Azusa gave a short speech with tears, stating "I am not fully confident that i can be as good mother to Theo as his real mother. But, I just try to tell myself that she wishes Theo to grow well and the only thing I can do is to help the wish as much as I can".

For Jan 18th, Soojin's birthday, I asked Azusa with tears if it is ok to celebrate, and she happily agreed, saying I should spend the dsay as I want. She baked a cake, while I cooked sweet and sour pork, the favorite dish of Soojin. We ate together and I talked a bit about some memories of Soojin birthdays.

There will be many challenges and uncertainty in our future. But, the only thing I know with full confidence is that there is no one in this world who has a right to tell us that we got marreid too soon. If anyone wants to think that, that is fine, but I rather be with someone who can feel happy to see me surviving the most unimaginable tragedy. Whether the remarriiage is too soon or not, at least, I am alive with good health and that would be the most importnt thing for Theo, Azusa and Soojin.

wedding
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seventh star 7

Author:seventh star 7
黒岩揺光  
1981年、新潟生まれ。7人兄弟の末っ子。15歳で米国留学して以来、住んだ国は計8カ国に。海外生活計17年。日本では毎日新聞記者、アフリカでは難民キャンプの工場長、アゼルバイジャンで主夫、ジュネーブで国連職員などを歴任。ヨルダンで長男出産後に前妻が死亡。日本に帰国後、再婚し、新潟で暮らす。
 著書に「僕は七輪でみんなをハッピーにしたい」(ユーキャン)「国境に宿る魂」(世織書房)。
メール連絡先 yokuroi×hotmail.com (「×」を「@」にしてください) ツイッター:@YokoKuroiwa

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上記広告は1ヶ月以上更新のないブログに表示されています。新しい記事を書くことで広告を消せます。